My Fears

I took a bit of a break from blogging here while I was trying another forum.  I do like the other forum and I might even go there permanently--but part of me wants to hang onto this too.  I think I need to blog here as well because I tend feel bad if a post over there is not upbeat.

The reality is I struggle--most of my struggle is within--mental.  I still have feelings of doubt and lack confidence that I can do this for the long haul.  I am still so unsure of myself.  It seems that there is little support/advice out there for someone at goal.  The story is the same for WW--you make goal and the program becomes free--but little else is offered.  When I asked for literature once making goal it still refers to the Points Plus program.  Its almost like they do not want you to succeed.  I still fret before stepping on the scale and worry about my next WI.  It seems fear is driving my maintenance.

I don't want fear to drive my maintenance.  What I need is a guideline formula to look for.  I look back on all my past food I have tracked and see no pattern.  There was no rhyme or reason to my weight loss.  I was not super consistent in my eating. For years and years I put together healthy meals for the family and I made sure I had a good balance. It was my in between stuff that was out of balance.

When I decided I had enough--all I really did was cut out my snacking garbage and binge-like habits.  I don't think I had BED mostly because it merely took a decision by me to the binge behaviors.

What did I cut?  Well, in the morning I would eat several Hershey's bars or tons of nuts or candy kisses etc.  Then I would eat a healthy breakfast.  In the afternoon I would make baked goods--not all cookies and brownies--I made awesome bread too that I would eat 1/2 a loaf right out of the oven.  Then a healthy lunch.  I'd graze through on all kinds of stuff and then have a healthy dinner.  After dinner was DH's snack time and naturally I would join him.  Add to that fast food and restaurants and it was no wonder I was obese.

I originally joined WW in January to lose weight for my son's wedding in May.  Fear again my main drive. Fear of pictures, fear of stuck in a frumpy dress, fear of being the fat mother of the groom, fear of all the eyes on my for the mother/groom dance.

But what do you know--I cut out that crazy snack-garbage eating and I lost weight.  Enough weight to say in May that I was going to give this diet thing a full year of my attention and see how far it got me.  I was certain the diet would betray me--that I was one of the many people who just cannot keep weight off no matter how hard they tried.

Like I said, after making goal in December--fear has been driving me.

I think the fear of regaining is worse than the fear of dieting not working.  Because it is the fear of the non-stop yo-yoing, the non-stop emotional roller coaster ride that goes with it.

I also fear that no one will understand me.  I fear that gaining would let down so many of my WW friends and my new friends at Spark People.  On the outside I bet I look like a whiny complainer that is not grateful for being at goal.

I do have a lot to be grateful for and I often feel I have no right to want more.

So here I am--10 months of being at goal--and at a place where I can try to sort this all out.  I see no rhyme or reason to maintenance either.  I have weeks of being within my WW points and calorie range, yet still gain--so I buckle down and try harder and still gain.  Then I give up and eat crap half the week and lose.  I need a schedule, a routine, a sure fire way to stay at goal. I need something to make me feel like the scale is a measuring tool not a roulette wheel.

I currently am trying a new plan with the hope that there is a science to this weight management thing.  WW and straight forward calorie counting gave me inconsistent results.  If I am going to maintain forever, I need consistency.

That is my new quest--to go fearlessly (or at least fake it, til I make it) forward to find my formula.

The picture are me before and after, the green dress is at the wedding

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